


Fucking Pointless

by timelording



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-12
Updated: 2014-03-12
Packaged: 2018-01-15 10:31:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1301647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timelording/pseuds/timelording
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She hadn't even said goodbye, and then she stepped in front of that train like nothing Alison had ever said to her mattered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fucking Pointless

Alison thinks about it often. She almost asks Sarah, once, what it was like, at the train station when- it happened. What Beth looked like in her final moments. If she said anything. (If she mentioned Alison.) Alison decides it would be ridiculous to ask such a thing and downs another glass of wine.

But she thinks about it often. She wonders what it was that finally sent Beth in front of that train. She wonders if it was her fault. She wonders what the last thing Beth thought about was. Wonders if maybe it was about the last words Alison said to her. ("We can't, Beth. I can't, you can't, this can't happen.") Sometimes she's positive it was her fault. Other times she blames the German. It was Katja's fault any of this ever happened. Alison would have been content never knowing about any of this clone situation. (She would've missed Beth, though, just like she's missing Beth now. Only now is a lot worse, because she'd gotten the chance to have Beth.) Sometimes she blames Sarah. Maybe, if Beth hadn't seen Sarah at the train station, she would've changed her mind. Sarah was the final nail in the coffin, and then she just took over Beth's life like Beth's life meant nothing. (It meant something to Alison.)

Occasionally she blames Beth. If only she'd answered her damn phone earlier that day. Maybe Alison could have saved her. Stopped her from doing it. But Beth ignored everyone's phone calls that day.

She hadn't even said goodbye. She hadn't even said goodbye, and then she stepped in front of that train like nothing Alison had ever said to her mattered. She hadn't even said goodbye the last time she'd left Alison's house. Just a muttered "whatever, Ali," and a slammed door.

Alison never cried about it. After Sarah just skated over telling her about Beth's death, she went home and downed an entire bottle of wine before bed. She stood in the bathroom staring at the bottle of antidepressants in her hand for a long time, and almost took them all, until Donnie banged on the door and shouted about putting the kids to bed. She put the pills away in the cupboard frantically and rushed to kiss her children goodnight. But she never stopped thinking about Beth.

Sometimes it's all Alison can do to wake up in the morning, because she always remembers that Beth is gone. (No matter how hard Sarah tries, she'll never, ever be Beth.) So she spends the day on the couch in the basement with a glass of wine and a single picture in her hand, the only picture she and Beth ever took together. (It's one that Beth took, of the both of them, and Beth is kissing Alison's cheek, and Alison is laughing. Alison remembers the picture being taken, and being the happiest she'd ever been.)

Alison definitely blames herself.


End file.
